Lit Chaos | Michael Fisher

The Wolf Spider

by Michael Fisher

To ____ ______

Dear Michael, I don’t want to see you anymore. And I don’t want to be friends, you’ll never leave the psych. ward. And I can’t let you destroy my life with yours. And it would be better for me not to see you. And I don’t want to see you anymore. I’ve changed my number. Don’t write anymore.

I was warned some things
shouldn’t be touched
some scabs will heal (but still scar)

it is a wolf spider
it is a perversion
seizing legs around my throat
coming into my mouth
I still can’t breathe
even now: a pull-out-sleeper
and a man with an over-bite and glasses:
I need to go to the bathroom. Open your mouth?

The world floods
some tread water
What do you think I did?

I clung to a wolf spider to keep afloat
and pretended not to taste the salt in my mouth

Dear Michael, I’m not surprised you’re feeling depressed. Write about out. I’ve been thinking and I don’t want you to visit this weekend. I’m busy and I don’t know what to do with you. I’ll try to call later. Sorry to be so short.

webs are never so beautiful
than twice caught–God sent
hopeful
pouring sugar on a spider web
she’s singing always singing

the grains of sugar crystalize the web
destroys it–sun shimmers
her side tilted grin

and her brown eyes say to me:
Show me your scars and I’ll heal you

as she spins the fine tangles
of her fine hair

Dear Michael, You’ll leaving in a few hours and I know I can just come over and talk to you, but I’m so overwhelmed. I’m putting my address at the bottom. Please, please write me. I can’t bear the thought of you forgetting me.

she’s kissing me and I can smell
pollen in the air
[her hand on my back]
I can see
little cracks in the wall [her hand on my thigh]

I can feel
my breathe run out (like drowning)
my hand tangled on top of her head

her tongue her teeth the world floods
the taste of salt in her mouth
my breath grasps: How familiar (?)

Dear Michael, I’m so glad we’ve met. I’ve never known someone like you with so much darkness and so much light. I wish I was the air in front of your mouth. I want to be close to you. I want to be one with you.

a bite (or pain)
always feels the same
always reminds me of life
(if I can think of it)
remember

it lingers after
it stops itching and scabs
after it heals
it can be holy

if tended
if held in a cocoon
or like tangled hair
stuck in the teeth
struggling with each breathe
it reminds the throat
it’s still there

Dear Michael, We should meet tonight. We should be friends. We need to know each other because we are connected.
Love,
____

friendship means many things
it means: breathing for you
as you breathe for me

but it is more than friendship
it is myself and yourself
it is (trying) to kill a spider
weaving a web in our head?

did I over do it?
did I expect too much?
please answer– how can I
make this better?
my therapist says I have self-worth:
You have self-worth. You are a victim of pedophilia

Have you your scars show me
self-worth open your scars
go to me I’ll heal you pedophilia
victim you scars heal self-worth.

Michael, I look forward to studying with you. I read the poetry you wrote for our workshop. I think it’s good, but I think you need to find stronger subjects. We’ll discuss it in June.

Wolf spider,
dear wolf spider
I couldn’t see the venom in your eyes
now you have split my skull
and walked away–
my mind is still broken: it will not mend
it doesn’t hurt
except on the hour and when I breathe and right now
but I (may) have
learned my lesson
crawl to your hole alone
I won’t return to your home

Michael Fisher was born in Agawam, Massachussetts. He received is BA in English from Anna Maria College and will receive his MFA in poetry from New England College in January. He currently lives in Worcester with his finance Brenda and his ferret Cassidy. His influences include John Berryman, Robert Desnos and the instrumental works of Frank Zappa.